Medieval Today

We all learned about the various, terrifying torture devices used to punish people back in the old days. There was that coffin-like box lined with spikes meant to impale the body. One of my favorites was the “extend and pull” machine that eventually stretched a person’s limbs and torso until death. Actually, that one reminds me of the Pilates machines used today to tone and tighten. Folks must have had some pretty warped minds to sit around and think of that stuff- as if somehow the more deranged the mutilation, the more folks would be deterred from committing a crime. Thankfully, society now has more humane ways of dealing with offenders. However, a new breed of torture devices have arisen, and innocent women- like myself- are all willing victims.

Today, I am wearing a torture device and submissively suffering the consequences. Of course, it doesn’t look like anything harmful or scary. It’s quite nice- disguised in shiny, black, patent leather strapping. From a distance no one would even be able to tell it is causing me pain for I torture myself so often, I have learned to hide my anguish. But inside, I am screaming in agony. The skinny straps are so tight that they are squeezing my little piggies together. They are so bound by the rigid patent leather (doesn’t stretch like real leather) that I fear they may all morph into one giant toe. Oh, and my poor little, baby toe keeps unsuccessfully trying to escape; but, at each attempt the lower skinny strap takes notice of the bold action, traps and strangles it until she’s just falls to the side- defeated.

The wicked straps are aided in their foot massacre by the unassuming- yet equally thin kitten heel on the bottom of the shoe. Every time the strap prepares for an attack, I attempt to adjust my foot to thwart it, but that sneaky, skinny heel always twists to the side and shoves the side of my shoe back into the grasp of those patent leather serpents. I even think that bitch of a heel has an ulterior motive of injuring my ankle. I’m watching her.

While this war is raging in my lower region, I must remain cool, poised and confident. Why? Because the evil shoes are cute, and they totally complete my outfit. Not to mention, I got them on sale. “Pain is beauty.” Isn’t that what they always say? That motto sucks, and was obviously created by some woman-hating, misogynistic man to keep us in pain while he runs the world. (He was probably a descendant of the “Crazies” who created those medieval torture devices.) Yet, we buy into it every time. Why are women spending millions of dollars just to torture themselves for the sake of vanity? We are constantly subjecting ourselves to these acceptable forms of torture by stuffing and cinching; pushing and pulling; tweezing and waxing; nipping and tucking… I just want to scream sometimes!!

Meanwhile, men are strolling around comfortably in their nice, flat, sturdy shoes. They seek out and drool over the most “tortured” women; and, are totally unaware and unappreciative of the damage we’re subjected to just to look good. Actually, we would look very good without the torture. We’re just conditioned to think we have to go through all of this madness just to prove a point. Just like in medieval times.