I'm tired of being stuck... Stuck to my stupid job. Stuck in the 150-160 pound weight range. Stuck to my crappy apartment. Stuck with my dumb driver's learning permit. AARRGGHH!!! It just makes me want to scream. But screaming gets me nowhere. The only significant life change I have made this year was my hairstyle. Yeah- I'm transitioning from chemically straightened hair to natural, nappy hair; but, surprise- the length of my hair seems to remain STUCK on short.
Unsticking myself from these conditions is not going to be easy because i have no clue what my next step would be. I feel like a lone piece of beading on a fancy tee shirt, who knows it should be part of a ball gown, but will just end swept in the trash if it tries to free itself. That's called "STUCK for decent metaphors." Seriously though, at this point in my life, I almost feel that any move I try to make might land me in the trash- and I'm just too old for that kind of risk. That ball gown is unattainable and nearly impossible to land. My tee shirt is comfortable, safe and smart. (That's as far as I'm gonna go with that analogy.)
I know that change is never easy, but where do I even begin? Currently, I have an administrative job at a television network. Despite my previous metaphorical blunder, I really am a pretty good writer. Unfortunately, I am not sure that every one else would agree- and my insecurity keeps me stuck. This insecurity is not completely self afflicted. When I took the necessary steps toward writing for this network, I was shot down because I didn't "pass" their writing test. Oh c'mon! It didn't even test for technical or grammatical skill. I didn't have to create any kind of fancy figurative speech either. Rather, it tested SUBJECTIVE comedic ability- and apparently I didn't make my tester chuckle hard enough. Although I've been promoted within the network since that dreadful exam, I still have not moved on. And I know I can't use that nitwit-administered dumb test as a scapegoat forever, but it has made me reluctant to give writing here another shot. At this point, I just want to get my own writing poppin', blow up and tell these mofos to kiss my butt as I laugh all the way to the bank. Yeaaaaa- they'll be sorry then... or not.
My weight is a whole other issue. Last year's "Fat Girl Thoughts" post pretty much explained it all. I have an warped relationship with food and, once again, wouldn't you know - it is mostly due to my own crazy disposition. (I might be on to something here.) Maniacal exercise, low carbs, binge eating- No matter the approach, I constantly get the same end. This is mind blowing. Back in high school, losing a bunch of weight using one of those methods was a breeze. Nowadays it would be a blessing for me to hit 148 pounds.
I suppose, my real gripe is that change might be easier for me if I could just get something drastically different out of it. Even if the change does not last, I just want to go through it. I am not sure exactly where I wanted to go with this post, but I'm desperate for change. Obama-rize my life!
About Me
- Blythe Dhia
- New York, N.Y., United States
- One day I will conquer the green-eyed monster within me; but until then, my constant battles with her make for awesome little anecdotes.
1 comment:
Oh God. I have no clue what you're talking about and can't relate at all. Are you chocking on that thick-ass sarcasm yet?
I think the whole feeling stuck thing is the plague of your late twenties. The closer "30" and the impending doom of being a real adult who should be driving a reasonable car and living in a tastefully decorated place with a mortgage and a stable relationship...zzzzzzzzzz. Shit, i just put myself to sleep. Fuck that. The truth is (and I have to remind myself of this often) we are young enough to crash and burn 20 times and still recover.
Fuck that test. In writing, there will be only a few good breaks, most of it is getting shut down. Trust in your ability, intelligence and instinct. You are a good writer; entertaining, witty, engaging. I'm saying it, everyone else can kick rocks. (Don't you wish I could hire you? LOL) It's hard not to root for you when I read your posts.
Change starts with a small, intentional step. Follow it with another. And another. Yes, of course it's easier said than done. Or a good to-do list helps.
And I rather like the whole bead on a tee analogy. I be feeling like a bedazzled rhinestone sometimes. I'm really a bauble, goddamit!
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