No Homo, But...

Let me preface this entry with the following five words: I am not a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that and some of my best friends are gay (no they're not). But for real- I am "strictly dickly" and a fan of the phallus. Oh- and I like guys too. However, I might say that I display certain behaviors that are inconsistent with my hetero-status. I am just being completely honest here, so please don't judge because you probably do some of the same things. And if you don't, you're probably suppressing some secret "homo" tendencies and you may want to let them out. This will be short and sweet because I'm not 100% comfortable with this side of myself, but I must release.

No homo, but-

1) I stare at female booties (and sometimes other body parts). No, I do not lust after said females. Nor do I feel any sexual arousal or fantasize about their behinds. This obsessive butt-gazing can probably be attributed to my ill feelings towards my own derriere. You see- when the Creator was handing out round rumps, I was on the other line getting extra brains and beauty- so I ended up with a little "badinky-dink." I'm sure I'm looking at other butts out of sheer envy, but the way my head automatically turns to look at another chick's bum still freaks me out.

2) I'm absolutely fine with the fact that I may not find a man to marry- and as a result will have to make one of my homegirls my life partner. I have way more substantial relationships with my girlfriends (friends who are girls) than I've ever had with any man. The only thing that'll be missing is the sex. Hmm... about that.

3) I think women are beautiful. Face it- we go through a lot to make ourselves aesthetically pleasing to men. The make-up, hair, clothes, SHOES. We have so much going on- and I appreciate that. Don't get me wrong- nothing catches my eye faster than a fine ass man. Unfortunately, I've found that a good amount of the dudes who look too good are too good to be true- meaning they are gay. Straight guys are all scruffy and they usually have to exhibit some type of distinct behavior [swag] or do something [buy a drink] to make me really like them. For the record, I've never seen a woman so beautiful that I wanted to switch teams.

4) I've had "girl-crushes." I used to obsess over my next door neighbor. She was pretty, always had a dope haircut and cute clothes. She also possessed a certain "something" that made me blush and smile every time I was around her. I would synch leaving my apartment with her departure just so we could share an intimate elevator ride. She wasn't gay and neither was I. It was just one of those things, I guess. Like all of my other crushes (male and female) it was was fleeting.

5) I secretly get offended when I'm someplace with a lesbian population and no one tries to hit on me. Why don't they like me? I'm no bomb shell or anything- but men have certainly taken double takes of me. What's up with the lesbians? They barely glance in my direction. Besides, they're women- shouldn't they be looking for something deeper than a big butt and a smile? Maybe they can tell that I wouldn't be interested? But that's never stopped them from trying to pick up some of my straight friends.

6) I totally get the appeal of Ellen. I can't really explain it- but I "get" it.

That's all for now. I bet you thought I was going to add "i kissed a girl and I liked it" or something like that to the list. My "no homo-homo" ways haven't gone that far.

A recent terrifying experience prompted to include a small addendum to this post. The next point on my "No Homo, But..." list is:

7) I wish I had a penis. Aside from the obvious reasons - no menstruation and easy urination- men don't even realize how sweet it is to possess their member.
Almost every woman I know dreads going to the gynecologist for her annual pap. Personally, I never saw what the big deal was. It's pretty much a quick in and out (no pun intended) procedure and you're on your merry way for the next 12 months. Not this year. My annual gyno check up was followed by an ominous phone call from my doc explaining that my pap came back IRREGULAR and I'd have to return so that she could take a closer look. Nooooo! WTF does that mean? I'd been so good all year. No birth control hormones, regular periods (sorry for the guys reading this post) and no s-e-x. ARRGGHHH!! What could be wrong down there? I immediately suspected the worst case scenario- CERVICAL CANCER. Seriously, that isth is all over the place now. And my trendy self is always up on the new stuff, so go figure I've come down with the latest cooch issue.
Men don't have to deal with this scary crap because their organ is external. If there's a problem, it's easily identifiable. No closer inspection beyond a glance, tug and a cough is required. Please allow me to explain the "closer inspection" I had to endure. Basically, my doctor dug inside of me and cut off samples of my parts for testing- all while I was awake and forced to make small talk about some stupid book to allay my discomfort.
I think I'd rather suffer the embarrassment of an inadvertent erection over another colposcopy any day. Penis please.