Man, this writing stuff takes serious discipline. I started blogging to hone my WRITING skills, so that I could someday write a book or screenplay. Every time I hear a story about some random non-writer who suddenly authors a book- they always say the key is to just sit down and write every day. Sounds simple, right? No! I'm having a hell of a time trying to force myself to blog on a daily- shoot- a regular basis. That's funny because I always have SOMETHING to rant about. I spend a very healthy portion of my workday WRITING email and instant/text messages to my friends (sometimes co-workers). I'd have an epic novel if I combined my personal correspondence. When it comes to gathering my thoughts and actually typing them out into something readable, I think I just get a little unfocused.
I have to work on that. Anybody have any suggestions on how to combat my "Blogger's Block?"
Monday, July 23, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Medieval Today
We all learned about the various, terrifying torture devices used to punish people back in the old days. There was that coffin-like box lined with spikes meant to impale the body. One of my favorites was the “extend and pull” machine that eventually stretched a person’s limbs and torso until death. Actually, that one reminds me of the Pilates machines used today to tone and tighten. Folks must have had some pretty warped minds to sit around and think of that stuff- as if somehow the more deranged the mutilation, the more folks would be deterred from committing a crime. Thankfully, society now has more humane ways of dealing with offenders. However, a new breed of torture devices have arisen, and innocent women- like myself- are all willing victims.
Today, I am wearing a torture device and submissively suffering the consequences. Of course, it doesn’t look like anything harmful or scary. It’s quite nice- disguised in shiny, black, patent leather strapping. From a distance no one would even be able to tell it is causing me pain for I torture myself so often, I have learned to hide my anguish. But inside, I am screaming in agony. The skinny straps are so tight that they are squeezing my little piggies together. They are so bound by the rigid patent leather (doesn’t stretch like real leather) that I fear they may all morph into one giant toe. Oh, and my poor little, baby toe keeps unsuccessfully trying to escape; but, at each attempt the lower skinny strap takes notice of the bold action, traps and strangles it until she’s just falls to the side- defeated.
The wicked straps are aided in their foot massacre by the unassuming- yet equally thin kitten heel on the bottom of the shoe. Every time the strap prepares for an attack, I attempt to adjust my foot to thwart it, but that sneaky, skinny heel always twists to the side and shoves the side of my shoe back into the grasp of those patent leather serpents. I even think that bitch of a heel has an ulterior motive of injuring my ankle. I’m watching her.
While this war is raging in my lower region, I must remain cool, poised and confident. Why? Because the evil shoes are cute, and they totally complete my outfit. Not to mention, I got them on sale. “Pain is beauty.” Isn’t that what they always say? That motto sucks, and was obviously created by some woman-hating, misogynistic man to keep us in pain while he runs the world. (He was probably a descendant of the “Crazies” who created those medieval torture devices.) Yet, we buy into it every time. Why are women spending millions of dollars just to torture themselves for the sake of vanity? We are constantly subjecting ourselves to these acceptable forms of torture by stuffing and cinching; pushing and pulling; tweezing and waxing; nipping and tucking… I just want to scream sometimes!!
Meanwhile, men are strolling around comfortably in their nice, flat, sturdy shoes. They seek out and drool over the most “tortured” women; and, are totally unaware and unappreciative of the damage we’re subjected to just to look good. Actually, we would look very good without the torture. We’re just conditioned to think we have to go through all of this madness just to prove a point. Just like in medieval times.
Today, I am wearing a torture device and submissively suffering the consequences. Of course, it doesn’t look like anything harmful or scary. It’s quite nice- disguised in shiny, black, patent leather strapping. From a distance no one would even be able to tell it is causing me pain for I torture myself so often, I have learned to hide my anguish. But inside, I am screaming in agony. The skinny straps are so tight that they are squeezing my little piggies together. They are so bound by the rigid patent leather (doesn’t stretch like real leather) that I fear they may all morph into one giant toe. Oh, and my poor little, baby toe keeps unsuccessfully trying to escape; but, at each attempt the lower skinny strap takes notice of the bold action, traps and strangles it until she’s just falls to the side- defeated.
The wicked straps are aided in their foot massacre by the unassuming- yet equally thin kitten heel on the bottom of the shoe. Every time the strap prepares for an attack, I attempt to adjust my foot to thwart it, but that sneaky, skinny heel always twists to the side and shoves the side of my shoe back into the grasp of those patent leather serpents. I even think that bitch of a heel has an ulterior motive of injuring my ankle. I’m watching her.
While this war is raging in my lower region, I must remain cool, poised and confident. Why? Because the evil shoes are cute, and they totally complete my outfit. Not to mention, I got them on sale. “Pain is beauty.” Isn’t that what they always say? That motto sucks, and was obviously created by some woman-hating, misogynistic man to keep us in pain while he runs the world. (He was probably a descendant of the “Crazies” who created those medieval torture devices.) Yet, we buy into it every time. Why are women spending millions of dollars just to torture themselves for the sake of vanity? We are constantly subjecting ourselves to these acceptable forms of torture by stuffing and cinching; pushing and pulling; tweezing and waxing; nipping and tucking… I just want to scream sometimes!!
Meanwhile, men are strolling around comfortably in their nice, flat, sturdy shoes. They seek out and drool over the most “tortured” women; and, are totally unaware and unappreciative of the damage we’re subjected to just to look good. Actually, we would look very good without the torture. We’re just conditioned to think we have to go through all of this madness just to prove a point. Just like in medieval times.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Me, Annoy You?
I am NOT one of these chicks who insolently boasts that she only has male friends because women are too catty and jealous. I am totally blessed to have some of the best female friends in my life. They are wonderful, intelligent, stylish, and beautiful ladies. We laugh, cry, chill and party together- absolute "BFFs." I love my girls to death; however, sometimes I also want to strangle them to death. I totally value and respect their different personality traits. These are the things that make them special. Unfortunately, some of their "unique" characteristics irk the hell out of me. So, in true "girlfriend"fashion I'm going to talk about them.
(First, let me drop this disclaimer: If any of my homegirls are reading this blog, please try not to take too much offense to my reckless writing because I am really going somewhere and making a point in this piece.)
BFF A- Sweetest girl ever, but totally self-absorbed with poor listening skills. Always rehashes the same stories with as much zeal and enthusiasm as she had when she first told them. I think her constant repetition is due to the fact that she just likes to hear herself talk.
BFF B - Totally dependable homegirl from back in the day. Been with me through thick and thin (literally and metaphorically). I think her education and employment gave her both a superiority and inferiority complex. That discord causes her to turn her nose up at certain people and put herself down at the same time- and that annoys me.
BFF C - A total "social scene" queen who shares my my passion for all things fabulous and superficial. She's a major "BAP," and I adore her for it. She too, has that "superiority/inferiority" thing going on; but, what really "Grinds My Gears" (Family Guy ref) about this girl is that she endlessly criticizes me about certain things I say/do, and then turns around and does the same things. When I call her on this behavior, she insists that her reasons for doing whatever are more justified than mine...Whateva.
BFF D - I've known her the longest. She is mature beyond her years, exceedingly responsible and has a great head on her shoulders. Unfortunately, she is stubborn as a mule. She is trapped in a mental jail cell and is afraid to let loose. Her obstinate demeanor is really a shield she uses to protect herself from living life to its fullest. Oh, and beyond that- she's a REPUBLICAN (gasp)!
BFFs E and F have their issues too; but, I will spare them so that I can finally get to the point of this entry. Plus- they're probably the only friends I'll have left after the others read this.
With friends like me, who needs enemies? Well, I've never been big on the "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" adage. I prefer going the "truth hurts" route. Occasionally, when I am PMS'ing, drunk or just in a pissy mood I tend to put my friends on blast and reveal to them what I regard as their personality "flaws." All the while, I have never really considered the possibility that I annoy my friends. I wonder what they would find reprehensible about me. Well, I pondered long and hard to compile this list of the top five things that I think my girls may find aggravating about me, but are far too gracious to disclose (to me at least. I know those heifers talk about me behind my back).
1) I have a BIG mouth. Rather, I am perceived to have a big mouth. Actually, I don't think I have a big mouth, I just sometimes have a hard time determining a "secret" from something I'm just not supposed to say when someone else is around. Yeah- isn't that a secret? No. I can't get into the specifics right now- but there is a difference. People just have to make it very clear to me that what they are telling me is a secret. Preface said sentence with, "Hey B, don't tell anybody but..." and I will understand.
2) I am about 85% bark and 10% bite (those numbers can skew based on the situation). My friends probably can't stand the fact that I talk a good game, but probably won't act. Oh well...
3) When I'm right, I'm right. When I'm wrong, I'm RIGHT. I support most of my arguments with emotions and not logic (excuse me for being a girl) and one cannot prove feelings wrong. Therefore, I can't be necessarily be wrong. Makes perfect sense to me.
4) I am a hater. Most of my hate stems from envy and jealousy. However, sometimes I'm merely making casual observations and maybe not expressing them in the most tactful manner. In my defense, I think my friends are not always annoyed with this trait because sometimes I say stuff that I already know they're thinking, but just aren't verbalizing.
5) I am insecure. My girls recognize my potential far more than I do; and, the fact that I prefer to bitch and complain as opposed to actually living up to it frustrates them. I'm working on it. Besides, whining is totally healthy and cathartic.
There it is folks. I love my girls despite the stuff I hate about them. I am just grateful to have them in my life. Really, if given the chance, I probably wouldn't change their little idiosyncrasies because it's part of who they are and perfect people are so lame and boring.
(First, let me drop this disclaimer: If any of my homegirls are reading this blog, please try not to take too much offense to my reckless writing because I am really going somewhere and making a point in this piece.)
BFF A- Sweetest girl ever, but totally self-absorbed with poor listening skills. Always rehashes the same stories with as much zeal and enthusiasm as she had when she first told them. I think her constant repetition is due to the fact that she just likes to hear herself talk.
BFF B - Totally dependable homegirl from back in the day. Been with me through thick and thin (literally and metaphorically). I think her education and employment gave her both a superiority and inferiority complex. That discord causes her to turn her nose up at certain people and put herself down at the same time- and that annoys me.
BFF C - A total "social scene" queen who shares my my passion for all things fabulous and superficial. She's a major "BAP," and I adore her for it. She too, has that "superiority/inferiority" thing going on; but, what really "Grinds My Gears" (Family Guy ref) about this girl is that she endlessly criticizes me about certain things I say/do, and then turns around and does the same things. When I call her on this behavior, she insists that her reasons for doing whatever are more justified than mine...Whateva.
BFF D - I've known her the longest. She is mature beyond her years, exceedingly responsible and has a great head on her shoulders. Unfortunately, she is stubborn as a mule. She is trapped in a mental jail cell and is afraid to let loose. Her obstinate demeanor is really a shield she uses to protect herself from living life to its fullest. Oh, and beyond that- she's a REPUBLICAN (gasp)!
BFFs E and F have their issues too; but, I will spare them so that I can finally get to the point of this entry. Plus- they're probably the only friends I'll have left after the others read this.
With friends like me, who needs enemies? Well, I've never been big on the "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" adage. I prefer going the "truth hurts" route. Occasionally, when I am PMS'ing, drunk or just in a pissy mood I tend to put my friends on blast and reveal to them what I regard as their personality "flaws." All the while, I have never really considered the possibility that I annoy my friends. I wonder what they would find reprehensible about me. Well, I pondered long and hard to compile this list of the top five things that I think my girls may find aggravating about me, but are far too gracious to disclose (to me at least. I know those heifers talk about me behind my back).
1) I have a BIG mouth. Rather, I am perceived to have a big mouth. Actually, I don't think I have a big mouth, I just sometimes have a hard time determining a "secret" from something I'm just not supposed to say when someone else is around. Yeah- isn't that a secret? No. I can't get into the specifics right now- but there is a difference. People just have to make it very clear to me that what they are telling me is a secret. Preface said sentence with, "Hey B, don't tell anybody but..." and I will understand.
2) I am about 85% bark and 10% bite (those numbers can skew based on the situation). My friends probably can't stand the fact that I talk a good game, but probably won't act. Oh well...
3) When I'm right, I'm right. When I'm wrong, I'm RIGHT. I support most of my arguments with emotions and not logic (excuse me for being a girl) and one cannot prove feelings wrong. Therefore, I can't be necessarily be wrong. Makes perfect sense to me.
4) I am a hater. Most of my hate stems from envy and jealousy. However, sometimes I'm merely making casual observations and maybe not expressing them in the most tactful manner. In my defense, I think my friends are not always annoyed with this trait because sometimes I say stuff that I already know they're thinking, but just aren't verbalizing.
5) I am insecure. My girls recognize my potential far more than I do; and, the fact that I prefer to bitch and complain as opposed to actually living up to it frustrates them. I'm working on it. Besides, whining is totally healthy and cathartic.
There it is folks. I love my girls despite the stuff I hate about them. I am just grateful to have them in my life. Really, if given the chance, I probably wouldn't change their little idiosyncrasies because it's part of who they are and perfect people are so lame and boring.
Friday, July 6, 2007
If I Won the Lotto, I Would...
Be incredibly HAPPY!
"Money can't buy happiness" my ass! A broke person or someone who was never broke came up with that nonsense.
"Money can't buy happiness" my ass! A broke person or someone who was never broke came up with that nonsense.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
BFF? Not By a Longshot
So I have this "friend." I have to put "friend" in quotations because I'm seriously debating in my head whether or not our relationship constitutes actual friendship. I met her in high school a few years back, and even then we didn't necessarily click. She ended up having a stronger bond with a buddy of mine and they hung out more than she and I did. When we were together, the mutual friend served as a buffer, and we really didn't have to interact with one another. I was fine with that.
I graduated from high school before this girl. All of these "shes" and "hers" might get a little confusing, so for the purpose of this blog, I'll refer to this "friend" as "Shalana." During one of my college breaks, my mother wanted to introduce me to her good friend's granddaughter, who coincidentally was a senior at my alma mater. Surprise! It was Shalana. Her grandmother was all too pleased that we'd already made each other's acquaintance, and she encouraged me to take Shalana under my wing tell her all about college life.
The first few times we hung out, I chalked our awkward conversation to lack of familiarity. I mean- I was on a whole new level now- in college. Reminiscing about our high school glory days was a wash because we were in different grades and didn't really share the same experiences. Anyway as time went on, Shalana and I continued to hang out, but our relationship remained on the same awkward, superficial level. We never really shared secrets and the more I hung out with her, the more I started noticing things I didn't really like about her. She was kind of boring, self-absorbed and bossy. Not exactly traits I look for in BFFs. But due to the fact that I knew her for several years and our familial ties and close proximity, I felt obligated to continue our friendship.
I had a break from homegirl for about two years when she moved out of state. Avoiding her phonecalls was a lot easier. Sometimes she came back to New York to visit, but I would either flake out on her invites or make up excuses for not being able to join her. I was off scott-free- But not for long.
Shalana called me the other day, and I answered because 1) It had been about two years since we last spoke; and 2) I had recently experienced a tragedy and she did call to express her condolences, so the least I could do was thank her... six months later. Basically, Shalana called me to tell me that she was back in New York- to STAY, and she really thought we should meet up after work at a happy hour. I'd already made plans with my real friend, so I was covered. But she kind of used her bossy-wiles and invited herself to my outing. Once again, when we saw each other- it was like for the first time and after exchanging the usual formalities we were back to square one.
I seriously need to break it off with this girl. I cannot spend another strange minute with her. If she were a guy, we would've had sex until it got stale and been done with it all. This relationship has officially run its course. Now- how do I break it to her?
I graduated from high school before this girl. All of these "shes" and "hers" might get a little confusing, so for the purpose of this blog, I'll refer to this "friend" as "Shalana." During one of my college breaks, my mother wanted to introduce me to her good friend's granddaughter, who coincidentally was a senior at my alma mater. Surprise! It was Shalana. Her grandmother was all too pleased that we'd already made each other's acquaintance, and she encouraged me to take Shalana under my wing tell her all about college life.
The first few times we hung out, I chalked our awkward conversation to lack of familiarity. I mean- I was on a whole new level now- in college. Reminiscing about our high school glory days was a wash because we were in different grades and didn't really share the same experiences. Anyway as time went on, Shalana and I continued to hang out, but our relationship remained on the same awkward, superficial level. We never really shared secrets and the more I hung out with her, the more I started noticing things I didn't really like about her. She was kind of boring, self-absorbed and bossy. Not exactly traits I look for in BFFs. But due to the fact that I knew her for several years and our familial ties and close proximity, I felt obligated to continue our friendship.
I had a break from homegirl for about two years when she moved out of state. Avoiding her phonecalls was a lot easier. Sometimes she came back to New York to visit, but I would either flake out on her invites or make up excuses for not being able to join her. I was off scott-free- But not for long.
Shalana called me the other day, and I answered because 1) It had been about two years since we last spoke; and 2) I had recently experienced a tragedy and she did call to express her condolences, so the least I could do was thank her... six months later. Basically, Shalana called me to tell me that she was back in New York- to STAY, and she really thought we should meet up after work at a happy hour. I'd already made plans with my real friend, so I was covered. But she kind of used her bossy-wiles and invited herself to my outing. Once again, when we saw each other- it was like for the first time and after exchanging the usual formalities we were back to square one.
I seriously need to break it off with this girl. I cannot spend another strange minute with her. If she were a guy, we would've had sex until it got stale and been done with it all. This relationship has officially run its course. Now- how do I break it to her?
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