How He Doin'? - Part 2

In case you just couldn't get enough of my captivating dating saga with my "possibly-gay" EX-beau (or if you're just bored), I have part two for you. Remember- it was originally an email to my friend, Lindsay, so if you're a bit nonplussed I've been kind enough to include explanatory notes in [brackets]. Happy reading.

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Hey Girl,

I got a weekend quickie for ya. Abridged b/c it's only for Sunday.

So Sunday evening I was pretty tired after a long night of partying it up in Long Island for Mo's birthday. I was all ready to chill w/Desperate Housewives and a pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Haagen Daaz when Chris called me. We hadn't seen each other in about two weeks, and our phone conversations were sporadic and stale. When he said he wanted to see me, I was down so we could salvage our fading courtship. We ran through our usual list of Sunday date spots, but none of them really appealed to me b/c I was feeling too lazy to dress up, and it was cold outside. Chris didn't
mind staying in either, so he suggested that I come over to his place to watch a movie or something. You and I both know that "watch a movie or something" is man-speak for gettin' some. But, I was quite "movie or something"- deprived, so I readily accepted his offer.

Chris is kind of too nice for his own good, so he offered to pick me up all the way in Harlem, drive me to Brooklyn, then drive me back to Harlem and the drive himself back to Brooklyn. Really he wanted me to just stay the night, but I had work the next day, so I offered to take the train out there on the condition that he drive me back home that evening. He agreed. He lives kind of deep in BK, but it was a rather easy commute on the Q train. He met me at the station, we picked up some food and went to his house. When we finally arrived at his building we sat in the car for a minute and talked. He must've gotten a little self-conscious because he
started making excuses for living in the hood and for his building looking rundown. Initially, I didn't think anything of the aesthetically unappealing building exterior. It's NYC, some of the flyest apartments are nestled inside of the ugliest buildings. I mean, my building isn't so hot on the outside, but the newly renovated apartments are pretty nice. Mine could be too if we just cleaned up. He was probably embarrassed b/c there he was driving a new Lexus, rocking expensive clothes, spending crazy loot when he goes out and he's living in a slum tenement. Hmmm... "Nypical Tigger."[Hopefully, that was pretty self-explanatory. Other terms that could be used are "Hood Rich" and "Ghetto Fab".] Oh well, at least it wasn't the projects.

We trekked up four flights of stairs (no elevator) and made it to his apartment, which he shares w/his sister. She was a nice young lady. They moved in together when Chris and his baby momma fell out. She's a nurse, and was on her way to work the overnight shift. The apartment wasn't so bad- typical tenement. There was barely any furniture- since they'd moved in recently. The little bit of furniture there was very ugly. Chris may have an eye for fashion, but he's certainly no interior designer. I must admit- I had a bit of a Joan moment [Joan is the Carrie Bradshaw-like character from the show- Girlfriends] when I surveyed the place. It didn't impress me like all of Chris' other superficial things. I expected more from him. I don't know where or how I get off being such a snoot [I'm a little ghetto fab myself, but i do recognize the flaw in it].

Anyway, after chatting w/Chris' sister before she left, I made myself comfy on the sheet-covered couch (at least it wasn't plastic). Chris said he was in the process of switching from regular cable to satellite; therefore he had NO CABLE. He said he had left most of his personal items at his baby momma's house, so he had no pics or fun stuff to explore. He only had furniture and plants. He did own a DVD player, so I figured that would we could kill a good three hours watching "The Departed." As soon as the movie started Chris excused himself to take a shower.

I was fine w/that b/c I was looking forward to watching "The Departed"- and I was a little, teeny weeny, bit less attracted to Chris after seeing his place (that's bad right?). After about twenty minutes into the movie Chris was out of the shower and shouted out from his bedroom, "Hey Brittny, wanna see me naked?!" That really caught me off guard b/c although I knew what was inevitably going to happen that evening, I didn't think Chris would be so forward since our relationship was moving on the Tortoise Express. Also, I was like, "C'mon dude, I'm an effing lady. You gotta play the game." I firmly responded that I did NOT want to see him naked and for him to put some clothes on. He kept insisting that he wanted me to see his body and that he was gonna come out naked. I repeatedly yelled back for him to put some clothes on before he came into the living room. Finally he acquiesced... sorta.

Girl, he leapt into the living room wearing some royal blue, tight spandex shorts and a wife beater! Then he started posing in front of me. I nearly died. He stood right in front of me with those tight things and asked me if I liked him in them. I guess I was supposed to be floored by the imprint of his package in the shorts, but I was far too distracted and amused by his entrance in these silly blue shorts to even care about his junk. I responded to his question with a shock and awe gaze that must have made him realize how much of a nut he was, and he got the hint. He had a cute little frame (a bit of a belly), but nice legs, arms, booty and "Peter." I couldn't get turned on though, b/c I was laughing hysterically. I begged him to change into some sweats or something. He was a little embarrassed b/c he repeatedly asked what was wrong w/the spandex, and through my chuckles I told him something about them being unhygienic. Defeated, he went back into the room to change.

About ten minutes later, Chris returned in regular baggy boxers and his wife-beater. Still a bit under dressed, but much, much better. Mind you, I was still fully dressed in a turtleneck sweater and jeans. We'd only gotten through maybe another ten or fifteen more minutes of the movie before Chris made his next move. Here goes that 0 to 90 I was talking about. We kissed for all of three seconds before he jumped off the couch and LITERALLY KICKED HIS SHORTS OFF. Let me repeat. He got off of the couch, snatched his boxers down and flung his leg HIGH up in the air, exclaimed "Whee," and kicked the shorts across the room. Then he gyrated his way over to me. Once again, I went into hysterics b/c I was convinced he'd gotten his "sexy" instructions from Barnum and Bailey's.

Lindsay, Chris is a damn foolish, clown! I don't know what I'm going to do with him. We messed around the rest of the evening. We didn't go all of the way b/c he said that he didn't think it was the "right" time (back to 0). He mentioned something about it not being the way he planned and wanting to make it special for me. Little did he know, that was already a "special" experience for me. He also said he was a little embarrassed about his place. At that point, his place was the least of my concerns. Honestly, I was ready for some action once I'd gotten over my fits of laughter (who knew- Jokes as foreplay?) I also re-asked him if he was gay. Once again, he replied, "No," and told me that he was growing a little tired of me asking him. Chris also expressed that he had a problem w/his performance in condoms, so he didn't want to disappoint or disrespect me or himself by NOT using one. That was pretty much the most sensible part of the evening. Boy was he serious about
that. We did pretty much everything we could do w/o going "all the way."
And he didn't break down once through all of that temptation. So basically, we had about three hours of foreplay. Does that make him self-controlled or gay?

Another funny thing was that when he was looking at my body, he gave the usual compliments- "sexy, nice, blah, blah", but he also regularly commented on how "clean" I was. "Oh, I like you. You're so nice and clean." Clean is a good thing, but not exactly a word you'd use in the heat of the moment, eh? That boy is too weird. Anyway, he drove me home at about 3:30am; but, b4 he dropped me off, he said that he hoped I would continue to call/see him, but he'd understand if I was disappointed by his non-performance that evening. Who's the girl in this relationship, again?